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Last week was the worst week since I’ve been here.  It started with my sister leaving on Tuesday after coming to visit me for the weekend.  Don’t get me wrong, I loved having her here, but it was hard to see her go.  I was extremely close to climbing in the car with her and heading back home.  While she was here, it really hit me how much I’m missing from being away from my family back in Illinois.  One sister is having a baby in May and it will be the first grandchild of the family, another sister is graduating from college in May and who knows what she’ll be doing after that, one brother just got his license, and another brother is starting soccer up again and I won’t be able to watch him play and see how amazing he is!  (I’m not bragging-Gabe is a FANTASTIC soccer player!)  And then there are all the day to day things I miss from being away from home.  Like getting 2 new puppies, sitting on the quad with Kendall, or shopping with my mom.  That all hit me as Katie, my sister, was climbing in the car heading back home. 

 So I went back to work and my “normal” life here in Gainesville, but instead of loving or even liking where I was, I started disliking, even hating, everything.  I didn’t want to be here, I didn’t want to be part of ComLife, I didn’t want to do anything or be anywhere besides back in Marshall, Illinois with the Kash family!  As the week went on, I just kept slipping more and more into this depression-like state.  I was getting annoyed at everyone and I just needed space, which is EXTREMELY hard to come by when you live with 11 people and work with them every day.  By Friday I was running on empty in all parts of my life-physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally.  I needed an escape and I needed it quick!  So last Saturday I declared it Kelsey day.  I was going to be by myself and not talk to anyone.  Thankfully everyone else in the house left early in the morning to go hiking, so I had the house to myself for a bit.  I slept in, sat on the couch and watched a movie, and then decided to get ready for the day.  I then went and sat at a park, contemplating my life.  It came down to me being once again pissed at God and just wanting answers.  I found myself asking over and over again why am I here?  I was looking for a DEFINITE answer and it really never came.  So even though I was taking this day aside to rejuvenate, I was getting angrier and angrier.  I then decided to go see a movie by myself.  It was a great way to forget life for a few hours, but then the movie stopped and once again life took over.  I drove back to the park with music blaring and sat in the parking lot listening to music.  Music usually calms me down, but not so much this time.  I thought I felt better, but as soon as I walked back in the house I was extremely agitated again.  My day had been everything I was wanting it to be-quiet, lonely, me-time-but I didn’t get my feeling of rejuvenation.  I figured I was just going to have another crappy week.  I went to bed Saturday night still confused and upset!

Then Sunday morning came.  I laid in bed for a bit not planning on going to church.  I was mad at everyone, including God, and church was the last place I wanted to be.  At the last second I decided being out of the house was better than being in the house, so I went to church.  As soon as the worship started I knew this is what I had been looking for the previous day.  I sang the songs with all my heart and had sometime to just be in my Father’s presence.  I left church with a lighter step.  My questions weren’t answered, I still didn’t know why I was here, but there was something different.  Later that evening, I went to another church service and got to worship with Chris Tomlin and Matt Redman and Louie Giglio preached.  I can honestly say the reason that service was amazing had nothing to do with the names of people on stage, but had everything to do with God being in that place.  I was once again connected with God in a great way.  And that was my Sunday-being in the presence of God.

I went to bed on Sunday night feeling much better and slightly rejuvenated.  I don’t want it to come off like all my problems were solved and I was so happy to be in Gainesville.  But at least I wasn’t so pissed off at the world anymore.  As I was lying in my bed, thinking of my weekend a thought entered my mind.  I had spent all day Saturday looking for love and had not found it because I was looking in all the wrong places.  For the first time in my life I could understand girls who sleep around, people addicted to drugs who feel they NEED to forget their lives, and everyone else in the world who feels empty inside.  I had spent my Saturday feeling hopeless and empty and had tried to fill that void with music, movies, and me!  And still at the end of the day, I felt empty and hopeless.  I could not find anything to make me feel better.  No wonder girls go from guy to guy trying to fill the void of love in their lives or addicts need fixes daily to get out of reality as much as they can.  If I felt that sense of hopelessness and emptiness day in and day out for weeks, I’d resort to the same things.  I’d do ANYTHING to feel better, even if it meant for only a short period of time.  But thankfully I don’t have to resort to those things.  I have the answer to it all-God!  He is the endless supply of love and hope that we need every day.  He is always there in those days that seem unbearable for us.  He’s there when we’re at the end of our rope and have no where else to turn.  HE IS ALWAYS THERE.  It’s just whether or not we acknowledge Him.  I’m sure I’m going to need to be reminded of this in a few short weeks.  But as of right now I’m finding encouragement and courage in my new realization.  I hope you do too!

5 responses to “Finding Love In All The Wrong Places”

  1. Hey Kash! I am glad that you’re here, you are loved and valued! You are a very important part of this community. Thanks for being honest about where you’re at and choosing in even when it’s hard.
    Love you!

  2. um yep. i love this blog.

    thanks for being real and sharing your journey with us…even if it’s not always with words. ๐Ÿ™‚

    my prayer for you is that this place will be like home for you, that it can be a safe and loving environment that speaks life to your soul…even in the mundane everyday things.

    i love you and i’m glad you’re here! don’t be afraid to share what’s really going on, we can handle it, b/c we love you.

  3. Hey – you don’t want to see me? Don’t you miss all those tmes I annoyed you? Now I know why you don’t answer my calls. ๐Ÿ™‚
    Don’t forget you are special. God has great plans for you but sometimes He does not share them unitl the proper time. I am claiming Ephesians 1;15-23 and 3:14-21 for you right now. Read and refelct on those. Continue on following Him in obedience (which is easier said than done)and all will be well.
    (P.S. Not to make you sadder but I miss you much also)

  4. Kels,
    I’m praying for you even as I type. As the rock on my desk at school says, “Commit your works to the Lord and your plans will be established.” Proverbs 16:3
    Praying for you and asking the Spirit to comfort and fill you immensely more than any earthly being ever could.
    Love you!

  5. I’m never coming to visit you again. ๐Ÿ™‚ Just kidding.

    I know being a lone is hard but gaining independence is something that you will have the rest of your life. Independence, confidence and becoming a stronger Christian will carry you through rough times like that week. I miss you and I can’t wait to see you at Easter.
    Love ya, Your BIG sis!!